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avatar kuhfunnunuhpah 15 day.ago

A Man goes on Holiday...

A Man goes on holiday and asks his friend to look after his beloved cat, Tiddles. The man has a great time away and his friend picks him up at the airport on his return. "Tiddles died." Were the first words to come out of his friends mouth. The man is, of course, devastated. "You couldn't have thought of a better way to tell me that? This was brutal! You should have said something like 'I'm so sorry but Tiddles was walking along the roof and he fell off. He didn't make it.' you know, soften the blow!" His friend apologised and, despite the sadness of the situation, life went on. In time, the man went on holiday again. He had a great time and the same friend picked him up from the airport. As he saw the man at the arrivals area, the friend said "I'm so sorry, but your grandma was walking along the roof..."

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1. April Showers

As we all know, April showers bring May flowers, and of course Mayflowers bring pilgrims, and pilgrims bring death and disease, but apparently death and disease brings Thanksgiving, and Thanksgiving brings football, football brings fans, and fans bring beer. Basically, what I’m saying is: I like the month of April, because it means I get to drink.

2. What came first, the chicken or the egg?

The rooster

3. A husband with six children...

Begins to call his wife “mother of six” rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles. A few years down the road, she has grown tired of this. “Mother of six,” he would say, “what’s for dinner tonight? Get me a beer!” She gets very frustrated. Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yells out, “Mother of six, I think it’s time to go!” The wife immediately shouts back, “I’ll be right with you, father of four!”

4. Why do bananas wear sunscreen?

Because they peel easily.

5. My granddad sold abacuses for a living during the sixties...

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6. I ordered a small spicy supreme from Pizza Hut last night , 30 minutes later I opened the door and

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9. Colonel general and Soldier

One day, a general was walking through a military base when he noticed a soldier casually eating and walking past him without saluting. Furious, the general ordered the soldier to stop and called him over. Here’s how their conversation went: **General**: Soldier, do you even know who I am? Do you know my rank? **Soldier**: Nope, not at all. **General**: Listen up, soldier. Right now, you’re a private—zero rank. The lowest in the military hierarchy. Basically, you’re nothing. **Soldier**: Okay. **General**: In the military, as you serve more years and prove yourself, your rank goes up. **Soldier**: Alright. **General**: For example, after this, you become a Private First Class. **Soldier**: Got it. **General**: Then you move up to Corporal, Sergeant, Warrant Officer, and so on. **Soldier**: And then? **General**: Eventually—though it’s almost impossible—you could become me, a General, the highest rank in the military. **Soldier**: And after that? **General** (Surprised): After that? There’s nothing after that. That’s it. **Soldier**: Well, I’m already that “nothing” right now.

10. The extractor fan in my bathroom broke down recently. However, I can do a really good impression of one. Would you like to hear it?

I don’t think I like tractors anymore.

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